Google announces plan to destroy all information it can’t index

August 31, 2005

Source: The Onion — August 31, 2005

Executives at Google announced Monday Google Purge, the latest step in their expansion effort: a far-reaching plan to destroy all the information it is unable to index.

“A year ago, Google offered to scan every book on the planet for its Google Print project. Now, they are promising to burn the rest,” John Battelle wrote in his widely read “Searchblog.” “Thanks to Google Purge, you’ll never have to worry that your search has missed some obscure book, because that book will no longer exist. And the same goes for movies, art, and music.”

“Book burning is just the beginning,” said Google co-founder Larry Page. “This fall, we’ll unveil Google Sound, which will record and index all the noise on Earth. Is your baby sleeping soundly? Does your high-school sweetheart still talk about you? Google will have the answers.”

Page added: “And thanks to Google Purge, anything our global microphone network can’t pick up will be silenced by noise-cancellation machines in low-Earth orbit.”

The company’s new directive may explain its recent acquisition of Celera Genomics, the company that mapped the human genome, and its buildup of a vast army of some 4 million cybernetic search-and-destroy, laser-equipped robot units, each capable of capturing and scanning up to 100 humans per day.

“Google finally has what it needs to catalog the DNA of every organism on Earth,” said analyst Imran Kahn of J.P. Morgan Chase. “Of course, some people might not want their DNA indexed. Hence, the robot army. It’s crazy, it’s brilliant — typical Google.”